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August 18-31
VOL.14 ISSUE. 26
HOME / STORY

They Made Me Do It

Craig Silliphant
Published Tuesday August 19, 11:45 pm
Planet S forces a crack music critic to fawn over Katy Perry

KATY PERRY
Thursday 28
Credit Union Centre

Being a music writer is usually pretty fun: you get to interview cool and creative people (and sometimes, even personal heroes!), have a built-in excuse to go to a lot of shows, and occasionally rant about yucky mainstream tripe that you absolutely hate. Fun stuff!

Then, there are the times when your editor decides to make your life hellish, merely for the amusement factor. One of those times is right now.

In this case, Planet S is making me talk about Katy Perry, and making me say nice things about her. Now, as far as mainstream pop music goes, I don’t have anything against Katy Perry, but it’s definitely not a show you’d normally find me pimping for. But the esteemed, certainly not cruel and entirely non-smelly (uh-oh — I’m not even a third of the way into this piece and I’m already lying…) Planet S editor Chris Kirkland thought it’d be hilarious to make a guy like me come up with 10 Reasons Why You Just HAVE To See Katy Perry In Concert!

Soo, here goes: and I swear I’m not grasping at straws here at all…

 

SO CRYSTAL CLEAR!

Um, how about that amazing sound system? It’s, uh, truly something that every audiophile or gearhead should experience in their lifetime. The latest edition of Total Production Magazine says they use a combination of DiGiCo consoles and Sennheiser and DPA mics! Sennheiser! Sweet! Okay, maybe I need to try harder…

 

TAKE THAT, BODY BREAK!

What about this: as Katy dances, jumps, climbs, runs around and generally proves herself to be a physical dynamo, it’s important to be there because following along will be an awesome workout. Why use a Jillian Michaels DVD when you can sweat along with Katy?

 

ROCKIN’ ROLE MODEL!

Katy will teach me to never give up on my dreams, and it’s really important that we all have strong female role models. If Katy can achieve her dreams and encourage me in a concert setting, I feel like I could achieve my goal of winning a local perogy-eating contest. Shoot for the moon, and you might hit the stars, right?

 

KISS THE SKY, BABY!

The stage show has a multitude of creative people, choreographers, costume designers, dancers, insane lighting, pyro and far-out set design. This crazy show will really help you get your money’s worth out of any drugs you happen to partake of.

 

CELL OUT!

In fact, there’s so much stimulation, that it’s worth seeing Katy Perry live just to witness the marvel of 10,000 tweens, all at once, NOT using their cellphones. Seriously, I’m sure there’s the odd person pointlessly recording it, but Miss Perry puts on such a nice show that most people look at the stage and not their smartphone!

 

SASS CLASS

I think that it would be good for me to see Katy live so that I may learn from her. I’ve been accused of many things in my life, and one of them is being a bit saucy. And no one has mastered riding the fine line between sassy and saucy better than Katy Perry. I could learn how to turn my sauce into sass.

 

WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?

I’m married, so this one doesn’t apply to me personally, but I’d have to think a Katy Perry concert would be a great place to pick up chicks/dudes, whatever your sexuality may be. There’ll be tons of hetero people there of course, but while she’s not Cher, Katy does have a very respectable gay following.

 

STRETCH THAT BUDGET!

Uh, still three more to go? Argh. Okay, how about those costume changes? There are so many outfits, it’s like seeing multiple singers for the price of one! And between the outfits in the crowd and the ones on stage, you can get a lot of Halloween costume ideas! It’s as if Pinterist were a living, breathing thing!

 

UMM, ERR, YOU KNOW…

Hmm. How to put this in a way that doesn’t sound sexist, or make my wife upset? Ooh, I’ve got it! Katy has absolutely wonderful… boots. Yup, I said boots, with a “t”, so I think I’m on safe ground here. If I could, I would smother myself within their soft warmth, like home, keeping me safe from the world’s ills. And hey, if I fly too close to the sun and end up suffocating, I’ll die with a smile on my face. I’m really, totally talking about boots here. Yup.

 

AND THE GRAND FINALE!

Best of all, and I’m sure this is why Katy’s fans connect with her, I can lose myself in the moment. Though I’m in an arena, surrounded by throngs of humanity, I can live without fear of repercussion from the hate in this universe. I can sing like no one is listening, love like there’s no such thing as heartbreak, and dance like no one is watching (mostly because none of the music snobs I know will be there to see me).

Ha — that’s 10! And Kirkland thought I couldn’t do it. Take that, editor-boy…
 

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