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August 18-31
VOL.14 ISSUE. 26
HOME / STORY

Boo Canada!

Stabby McFrightenstein
Published Thursday October 29, 06:15 pm
Five wondrously wicked horrors of this wild country

Photo Credit: Illustration by Evgenia Mikhaylova

Well hello there, and welcome to Stabby McFrightenstein’s Haunted House of Murder and Margarine! (Our slogan is “Come For The Terror, Stay For The Trans-Fats!” Thank you, thank you — we’re pretty pleased with it too, and here’s betting it gets the public rolling through our door any second now!)

Because of my great authority on all things sick, supernatural, and supremely sadistic (and also margarine — don’t forget our premium margarine! Right now, we have a special on a lovely batch of vintage 1983 Parkay that we were lucky enough to acquire at a recent estate sale! Hurry, supplies are limited and won’t last long!), I’ve been asked by Planet S to offer up my take on the greatest horrors that this cold, dark, forbidding country we love to call home can offer!

And I’m only too happy to do so, so here they are: The Five Horrors of Canada!

 

THE GHOST OF CALGARY HERITAGE

Well, this is a puzzler: Most ghosts that I know about (and I know about many!) are centuries-old spirits, but reports of this lil’ devil have only been coming in since Oct. 19th. But super-fun, I say — always exciting to welcome a new damned soul into the paranormal fold of terror!

In any case, back to the facts: ever since the aforementioned fated day of Oct. 19th, reports have circulated of an icy, aloof and, above all, irritating spectre haunting the federal electoral district of Calgary Heritage (yup: It’s in Calgary, genius). Scared citizens have told investigators that its horrifyingly false smile, combined with an ability to seemingly suck their personal rights, liberties and privacy from their very souls, have begun to cause panic in the region.

Interestingly, the Calgary Heritage region has always been home to quite a disparate array of many different kinds of ghosts, but now it seems that they’re all issuing the same scripted, boring moans — almost as if they’ve been given some sort of supernatural “talking sheet” by an entity determined to keep them in line.

Paranormal scientists have been investigating this new spirit right from its first appearance, but strangely, they haven’t been able to give any thoughts or reports at all on their findings. It’s like they’ve been muzzled in their efforts to inform Canadians about the truth! Most fascinating. Perhaps more information will be available soon? Here’s hoping — because word is, there’s a new ghost-hunter in Canada.

 

THE SLIPPERY SNAKE

It’s true — when it comes to conventional snakes, Canada is pretty lucky on the “danger level” of things. Sure, we’ve got rattlesnakes and a few other venomous fellers, but none of those critters can do much damage on anything approaching a large scale. (Hah! “Scale”! Get it? Gawd, I’m hilarious!)

Except for one species, of course: the Ginormous Border-Crossing Slippery Snake (GBCSS)!

The GBCSS comes in two main forms. One can often be a whole kilometre long!!! And it’s mobile, moving on tracks across the land!!! Eek! The other is not mobile (whew!), but on the other hand, it can stretch for THOUSANDS of kilometres!!! Eek again, I say!

While they may differ in appearance and mobility, both are filled with disgusting, viscous, planet-destroying black goo. And if that’s not already horrifying enough, both are also ready to unleash mayhem the very second you let your guard down! Unlike those of us who would clearly prefer to keep our bodily goo inside of us, these snakes seem more than willing to splurt (yup, I’ve decided it’s a word) their nasty black innard-slime all over the countryside, at any time they want, wreaking catastrophic devastation! And sometimes, IT EVEN CATCHES ON FIRE!!!

The worst part? Rumour has it that many evil entities (hellooo, Ghost of Calgary Heritage!) want many more of these slippery snakes to invade our country! Yipes, I say — but also kudos, because that kind of abomination is EXACTLY the kind of talent my House of Horror is looking for! I guess we’ll just have to see what the next four years brings...

 

THE CABAL OF WITCHES!

Now, look: I’m as progressive as the next guy! I let my wife deal with that hunky margarine salesman, for example, and I don’t even get jealous! (Just watchin’ out the window, watchin’, watchin’, watchin’... Make a move, big fella, I got my trusty machete right here... No? Well then of course everything’s fine! Oops — let’s get back on topic here...) But seriously: Just how many provinces are we gonna let be run by women? By my current count, we’ve got Christy Clark in British Columbia, Rachel Notley in Alberta, and Kathleen Wynne in Ontario.

Sure, that’s only three out of like 13 (I think it’s 13 provinces, right? Something such — all this Molson Canadian is getting to me, and pounding Nickelback on repeat in my awesome 4X4’s stereo isn’t helping either...), but think about this: Pauline Marois USED to be the premier of Québec until just a little while ago, Kathy Dunderdale was the premier of Newfoundland and Labrador until 2014, and before Rachel Notley, the premier of Alberta was... yup, ANOTHER WOMAN, Alison Redford!

So let’s be clear: I’m not a sexist, but... (stop laughing! I’m serious!) just sayin’ that the 52 per cent of the population that’s female seems to be pushing pretty hard to have at least 30 per cent of the political power in this country. They must all be brides of Satan, right? No? Where did all these damn crickets come from?

 

THE BEARD OF POLITICAL DEATH

I have to say, I feel sooo sorry for poor Tom Mulcair — because he got sucked into the devilish trap that The Beard of Death planned for him!

For decades — centuries, really— The Beard has been lying in wait, planning its evil, er, plans (hey, I’m no Stephen King here!). The Beard has made massive successes out of the likes of Lenin, Lincoln, Castro and (I’m assuming, but still) pretty much every Greek politician back in the Zeus days. So it’s pretty obvious why Mulcair would want to channel its power — which, I’m sure, the beard talked about at length in its sultry, silver-tongued tones.

You bastard, beard! You took Tom to the heights of almost having power AS A FEDERAL NDP GOVERNMENT IN CANA-FREAKIN’-DA and then dashed him against the smooth, whisker-free skin of Justin! Someday you’ll get yours, mister...

 

TORONTO’S HOUSE OF HORRORS

As an entrepreneur who’s a purveyor (man, I’m gonna have to charge Planet S extra for all these big words!) of a House of Horrors himself, I’m a bit reluctant to give another HOH credit. But when it comes to this one, it’s impossible to resist — because the terror that has so traumatized the Toronto Maple Leafs (sic) in their own home has been spread over TWO houses, and for almost 50 years!

The evil began in 1968, in what was then known as Maple Leaf Gardens (but which is now known primarily as “The big-ass place that has a Loblaws grocery in it”). Back in 1967, it was a place of joy and wonder. Then, everything changed.

Paranormal detectives finally realized that the Maple Leafs (sic) MUST move from MLG, as it was a cursed place. But sadly, they seem to have carried the demons of that unholy arena with them to their new home, the brilliantly named Air Canada Centre, as absolutely nothing has gone any better since they’ve arrived there. (Maybe they lost their “spiritual baggage” on the flight? Hee hee!)

But worse than the horrors this malevolent spirit has brought upon the Toronto Maple Leafs (sic) hockey team is that which it has inflicted upon their fans. Why, you ask? Well, because even after almost 50 years of suffering through the hellfire of eternal futility, they remain cocky, arrogant and generally uninformed. (Seriously, they’re the worst.) How could this be possible, unless an evil spirit was controlling them?

Exactly. So, the next time you encounter an ignorant Leafs (sic) fan, don’t get angry — just spare a thought for that poor, unfortunate soul, damned to perdition for the rest of time.

Well... I have so many more horrors to offer up, but it seems that Planet S is out of ink (Seriously? How does a magazine run out of ink? And wait a second: I don’t think magazines even print themselves anymore! Man, this almost feels like a brush-off. Anyhow, that’s what they told me, so keep positive right to the end, Stabby!), so it’s time for me to leave.

But you know what other time it is? Time for YOU to come to Stabby McFrightenstein’s Haunted House of Murder and Margarine! I can’t say we’ve got as many frightful sights as this article does, but I can guarantee we’ve got better Becel!

Yours in terror and trans-fats,

Stabby 

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